god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
