Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
