true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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