Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
