i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Send help, water and tortillas.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
