I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
