Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
