She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
