we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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