So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
