Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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