My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
