end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
