in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
