if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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