My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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