final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
