i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
