I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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