I accidentally had phone sex last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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