Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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