So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You need Xanax blowdarts
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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