Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I wish there were birth control emojis
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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