New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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