do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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