jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
