I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
