I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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