At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
