Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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