I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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