my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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