Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
