God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
