How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
