If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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