nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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