Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
