i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You left your underwear on the fireplace
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
