she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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