I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
