She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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