Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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