dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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