If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
