We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize