this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
