I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
