....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
