If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
