i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
