Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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