FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
