Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
There are leaves in my underwear?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
