Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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