Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We are all done wearing pants today
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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