your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
