i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
