guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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