Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
