Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize