and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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