she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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