I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
