I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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