The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
