Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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