Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
