I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
