Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
